Cut the Shit

Snark Attack!

I have dubbed today as Snarky Tuesday. I woke up in a fine mood and got on the subway in a fine mood. However, the minute I sat at my desk, the snark creeped up my fingers and found it’s destination in my heart. I could blame it on my douchebag boss or I could blame it on the students that drive me “up the wall” insane, but instead I’m going to redirect the snark towards those who deserve it most.

Topping my list of snarky hatred today is the NYC MTA. That’s the subway and bus system, for you non-New Yorkers. The MTA is so fucking annoying, I don’t even know how to explain it so you would get the full impact of its irritation quotient. The trains NEVER run on time, they disappear and don’t reappear for what seems like an eternity; and the icing on this bullshit of a cake, is that the employees (train conductors and the idiots that sit in the booths and sell subway passes) are such nasty people, there is no WONDER that there are stickers on the train saying “If you assault any subway personnel, you could be punished with a fine and jail time”. These people are the dredge of the Earth. They get paid VERY good money to do their job and God FORBID they actually smile at you while doing it. The subway is a nightmare for anyone who has to use it and these awful, awful people just make it that much worse. I hate you.

President George Bush would have made my list in this spot except that his approval rating is quickly approaching that of Richard Nixon’s after the Watergate Scandal. Why beat him up even more when the American Public is FINALLY seeing the light? I am so happy that his reign of terror is going to cause him to be remembered as one of the WORST presidents in the history of the United States. (insert an overabundance of clapping right here). Talk about making a bed and having to lie in it.

I hate people who take their own personal angst out on everyone around them. When I wake up in the morning, am I super happy to be alive and to be going to my unfulfilling job? Hell no. But do I slap on a shit-eating grin and do my work to the fullest? Hell yes. I have a few people in my life who have such thick sour pusses, I’m sure it’s become a permanent fixture on their face. Look…we all know life is hard and that being single or swamped at work is enough to push anyone over the edge. But seriously…get a fucking grip or just don’t talk to me. I don’t EVER bring you down with MY problems, please don’t attempt to bring me down with yours.

Jennifer Hudson. From past conversations I’ve had with people about her, it seems like you either love or hate her. Sure, she did a wonderful job in Dreamgirls, but the awards she’s receiving (including her Oscar nod) makes me cringe with annoyance. You’re not an actress, you’re a singer and a decent one at that. But in no way am I jumping on the Hudson train. It’s fun to be a flash in the pan, but honestly, that’s all it really can be. The part was written for greatness. I’m sure you’ll go to Broadway to reprise your role as Effie in the upcoming revival and that is totally fine with me. If you win the Oscar, however, I will vomit out of irritation. You simply don’t deserve it. Especially not when someone like Martin Scorsese has yet to take one home himself. There are too many more deserving actors and actresses in this world and you simply aren’t one of them.

Lindsay Lohan didn’t die yet? That’s such a disappointment. Why does any Hollywood director WORK with this train wreck? In death, she will be appreciated more than she ever could have been in life. God rest your soul.

The Apprentice and the truly despicable beast that is known as Donald Trump. God, he’s so disgusting, it’s hard to even write in my journal about him. From his Rosie tirades to the way he handles any question thrown his way - BLECH. He literally gives me the creeps and his over confident, pompous attitude leaves me wondering why anyone gives him the time of day. He’s useless. And having been a fan of The Apprentice in the past, I can now say that the show is officially doneski. Have you seen any of the latest episodes? Not only is it boring and filled with equally as annoying people, there’s just no point to it anymore. The tasks have been done OVER and OVER and OVER (recycled from past seasons and laden with product placement) and clearly there is nothing new or exciting about the show at this point. Replacing Carolyn and George was by far the worst mistake he’s made in the casting process so far. His busted daughter and triple chinned son are so exhaustingly lame that it was almost impossible for me to get through the last two episodes. I’d rather shove a stake in both eyes than have to endure another second of this blowhard. You’re dead to me. Get a plot next to Lindsay.

Iran. Cut it out. Just. Cut. It. Out. You’re going to make our war crazy president go after you with troops we don’t have and then I’m officially moving out of the states. And if my BROTHER has to go back to fight in this mess, I may gouge my eyes out with frustration.

The movie Catch and Release. What a piece of trash (although ARI says it’s just cuz I hate Jennifer Garner and she could be right). This line in the preview truly pisses me off: While wearing a wedding dress, Jennifer Garner says to Timothy Olyphant’s character “I never got a chance to wear it. It’s a girl thing.” Thanks a lot bitch. You just took the feminist movement back to the 60’s. And this movie is written by the writer of Erin Brockovich, Susannah Grant. You should be ashamed of yourself. And also, Kevin Smith??? Clearly, you’re in the wrong movie. Clearly, you shouldn’t be playing YOURSELF in another movie. Enough.

American Idol. Tragic and downright mean. And Paula? If you don’t have Parkinson’s, then you’re a liar AND a drunk.

But to end this post on a positive note…is there an angelic singer more wonderful than Regina Spektor? I’ve almost got her entire album committed to memory, yet I’m STILL finding little nuggets of genius amongst it. Check her out, if you haven’t done so already. This artist is classically trained on the piano and her voice is so original and on point. Songs to download: “Better”, “Samson”, and “Apres Moi”. You'll fall madly in love. Trust me.

Have a snarkfilled day everyone!

And NOW it’s SAFE to Write!

Well, hello! I know I’ve been totally missing for the last couple of weeks, but I had good reason! Aside from being incredibly busy with my friends (there’s been this new and wonderful rejuvenation amongst my closest friends and I’m PSYCHED about it) and work, I’ve been trying to keep a major secret under wraps. That secret was the surprise visit I made to DC this weekend to see my friend Rita and her family! Rita’s mom and sister called me over a month ago and asked if I would be willing to fly down to DC to surprise Rita for her 30th birthday. Considering that my finances are very tight, they offered to pay for my whole trip! I, of course, jumped at the chance, and last Friday I was on an afternoon flight to the District of Columbia.

Rita’s mom picked me up from the airport and within the hour I was walking through Rita’s front door with a huge smile on my face. She was so shocked; she stared at me for a couple of seconds, not knowing who I was. Once it hit her that I was in her home, she ran over and hung on to me for dear life. We hugged and hugged and hugged and the weekend was off and running.

We had pizza and wine and Rita and I spent two days talking our faces off. I told her absolutely everything that’s been going on in my life and she listened so intently. She then did something that only a true best friend can do. She VALIDATED me. I’ve had some crazy shit going on since the New Year and I gave Rita every gruesome detail and she in turn hugged me, gave me some solid advice, and made me feel like the most worthy friend anyone could have. Being validated by someone you respect and trust is the best feeling in the world. Any sort of doubt or frustration that I had in myself has been wiped clean. I feel rejuvenated and refreshed and thoroughly happy to be alive. And it’s a Monday!

I also spent a ton of time with Rita’s baby. She is now about 14 months old and she’s walking like a pro! She jibber jabbers like a crazy old lady and she never stops laughing. During the entire weekend, she cried only once and that was cuz she wanted to stay up and play with us on Friday night. Rita said that I was really good with her and that made me feel fantastic since I wouldn’t consider myself to be a baby person – at least not since high school. It made it easy that this girl was such an angel and it broke my heart into a million pieces to say goodbye to her yesterday. I hate the fact that I only get to see Rita and her family a couple times a year. Weekends like this are truly one of a kind and I’m definitely depressed that I won’t be around my babycakes and my girl again until March or April. But that’s the nature of the beast, I guess.

The flight home yesterday was a nightmare. The turbulence was so awful and there was a moment when I BELIEVED that I was going to die. I literally yelped as the plane felt as though it was dropping out of the sky. For the rest of the flight, I sat there, white knuckles gripping the hand rests and sweat pouring out of my pits and down my neck. It was very scary and I’m glad that I don’t have to fly again until the spring. The 2 hour trip home on the subway after we landed made coming back to NYC even more annoying.

But now that I’m home and settled, things are going really well! Paul and I have hit yet another level in our relationship. He wrote me the most beautiful letter on Friday and it left me in tears. It’s actually quite funny cuz I found the letter after I got out of the shower. I stood there naked reading it and I just started to cry. A naked boy crying. That’s a sight to behold. Paul doesn’t write letters to me, ever. So to find it sitting on my luggage before I left for my trip was too much (in a good way). He always knows when I need him the most. I took the letter with me to DC and showed it to Rita who just beamed with happiness for me.

This week I’ve got some plans with people for happy hour and I’m getting ready for a fun Super Bowl party at my friend Kelly’s on Sunday. I’m making my new nine layer dip and luckily, I don’t have to work next Monday. So it should be a killer weekend. Then the weekend after this, I have a friend visiting and my parents coming down. Then the weekend after that is Paul’s 30th birthday! February is going to be a busy one. Just what this boy needs.

I hope you are all doing well and are happy!

So much love.

Sign the Petition!

This PIG needs to be fired. Grey's Anatomy is one of the smartest shows on television and this homophobe's presence negatively taints every scene he's in. It's about time that networks and businesses alike step up and take action on this sort of outrageous behaviour.

What makes this whole thing that much worse is the fact that he is completely unrepentant. After using the word "faggot" again at the Golden Globes on Monday, this scumbag has completely proven that he refuses to take any sort of responsibility for his actions. Additionally, his PUBLICIST has issued a letter of apology and announced that Isaiah is going to work with Gay and Lesbian leaders. I assume to show US that he's genuinely an open-minded, loving person who believes that everyone is of equal value and importance in the world.

BULLSHIT. It's too late. You're a fucking psycho and your time is up. I've been called "faggot" way too many times in my life and still deal with the reprocussions of that daily. I'm SO ready for those who use this term in any fashion to be held ACCOUNTABLE for their nasty and awful ignorance. Prove a point with this dick. He must go. There's NO other option.

FIRE ISAIAH WASHINGTON PETITION

Have a good and KIND weekend everyone!

Joe Dawg from A thru Z

(* though X seems to be missing)

I’ve been tagged by Ari:

A - available? No sir! 7 long and wonderful years with the same old Paul. It’s been the hardest, yet most rewarding challenge of my life.

B - best friend? I’ve got many close friends and I rank them by A list, B list, C list. You know which list you’re on.

C - cake or pie? Neither, can you believe it? Both make my tongue sad.

D - drink of choice? Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi. I used to prefer one over the other, but these days, I enjoy both equally.

E - essential item I use every day: My RED IPOD. Without it, I would be stuck giving directions to tourists, money to the homeless, and conversation to the crazies. It’s best to have your ears covered in this city.

F - favorite color? Black. I’ve always liked the dark colors for some reason.

G - gummy bears or gummy worms? Again, neither. Sour Patch Kids or die.

H - hometown? Utica, New York. Buh-buh-buh-boresville!

I - indulgence? Velveeta Mac and Cheese. Here’s how to cook it – boil one box of pasta, add half a cup of milk and an ENTIRE BLOCK of Velveeta. Mix and stir consistently and eat it immediately. Then hold your belly and get ready for the poop explosion!

J - january or february? February. January is filled with so many high hopes and aspirations, yet by February, you’re back to accepting yourself for who you really are.

K - kids and names: No kids. But thinking a lot about that topic recently. Soon enough, I’m sure.

L - life is incomplete without? My mother. She is my everything.

M - marriage date: Within the next 2-3 years, I’m almost sure of it.

N - number of siblings: One public, one secret. My “A list” friends know what I mean.

O - oranges or apples? Orange and green MELON. I would really prefer never to eat another apple or orange for as long as I live. Unless they’re covered in some sort of caramel or hundred dollar bills.

P - phobias or fears? That I’ll never be able to work at a job that’s also my passion and that my loved ones could die at any moment.

Q - favorite quote? I always want to be the guy who has a quote prepared for every special moment, yet I can never remember any of them for more than a day. Here’s one: Milk, Milk, Lemonade…

R - reasons to smile? This year has started off on a very positive note and I haven’t allowed myself to wallow in any sort of self-defeat as of yet. It’s been very difficult for me to keep a positive outlook overall, but I am proud to say that I’ve done it very successfully so far!

S - season? Fall.

T - tag: No tags on this one.

U - unknown fact about me: I still have a baby tooth in my mouth.

V - vegetable you don't like: Cooked Carrots – Ari is totes right on that one.

W - worst habit: Worrying too much about everyone and everything. But that was the Joe of LAST year. I’m getting better and stronger and pretty soon I’ll take over the world.

Y - your favorite food? pizza pizza pizza pizza pizza pizza and French fries covered in pizza.

Z - zodiac? The most “true to form” Cancer you will ever meet.

Love these things and it gives me a few more days to come up with a solid post of my own.

Enjoy your day my friends!

And We're Off...

I'm typing on my home computer which means fucked up margins, I've explained it in the past, not gonna do it now, just go with it.

So here we are eh, folks? 2007! Shit. Just when I think that life is a revolving door of the same shit, so much changes and I'm left excited and scared of the new beginnings.

First things first...my holidays were perfect. I mean, what else can I say? I was in Albany for 5 days or so and each moment was planned with activities. Paul and I took my family out to the most expensive restaurant we could find, I took my family (minus Paul) to an Albany River Rats hockey game (Go Rats?), and my parents took me to see the most snoresville movie in the theaters (Eragon) - however, at my request. I was disappointed in myself AND ALSO Rachel Weisz (Weizs, Weiz, WEisalksdhf) who made the DRAGON sound like a condescending pansy bitch. Breathe fire and shut the fuck up already.

My New Year's was spent with my parents and brother and fiance. I hosted with the mosted and even used my new deep fat fryer to make mozzerella sticks. Yes, you read that correctly. DEEP MOTHER FUCKING "FRY DADDY" FRYER. I'm totally that guy. That, fat and proud of it, guy that also threw donuts in the fryer just to find out that they tasted fucking bizamb. I could best equate the taste to eating an apple cider donut. You know you love it.

Ok, but let's be honest. I cooked all that shit, but I barely ate any of it myself. BECAUSE...

My parents bought me the TOTAL GYM for Christmas and as I type this post, it looks lovingly at me, exactly two feet away. It's so fucking fantastic. I've had multiple workouts at this point, but I've been too lazy to figure out the leg attatchments. So basically I'm totally getting buff on top and even more jelltastic on the bottom. My goal is huge upper body, stick legs. That's hot, right? TOTAL GYM forever.

Tangent over. After throwing a fully fantastic New Year's Party - at which my parents created an 85 question trivia game, which gave me a boner, but also deflated it when I came in last place - I took my family to Prospect Park in BROOKLYN to see the fireworks. Aside from the fact that there weren't that many people in the park, and aside from the fact that we were directly underneath the display (to the point where my mom's fur (yes I know) jacket almost caught fire), and aside from the fact that we were able to drink our beverages AND smoke some pot without harassment, and aside from the fact that we stayed up until 3am playing games and drinking champagne back at my apartment...I gotta tell you - it was one of the best fucking New Year's Eve celebrations I've ever had. You would think that being 29 and hanging out with your family would be a lame way to spend New Year's. But dammit if I can't wait until New Year's Eve THIS year to do it all over again. I loved it to the point where I'm STILL thinking about how awesome it was. I'm a 29 year old virgin LOSER! Yahooooooooooooooooooo!

Since then my life has been full of quite a few ups and downs. On New Year's Eve (unbeknownst to me at the time), one of my oldest and closest friends lost her father to cancer. He's been sick for a very long time and my whole "group" knew it was going to happen at any moment. But that didn't prepare anyone for it actually happening, and in a lot of ways, me.

At my college graduation party, my friend's father pulled me into my bathroom and privately told me to quit smoking. He pointed to his face (which I am sad to say was half missing due to mouth/lung cancer. Plastic surgery, which I don't think he had, would never have made him look the way he used to) and said "Quit smoking. Don't let "this" happen to you." It was an incredibly disturbing, yet incredibly poignant, conversation. And because I loved his daughter so much, it had even that much more of an impact.

I've thought about this wonderful man and his battle with cancer ever since we spoke in that bathroom and it's one of the FEW things that makes me identify with the damage of cigarettes. I have yet to actually speak to my friend since her father's passing and I didn't have enough money to attend the funeral, nor am I sure that she would have wanted me there anyway (She's incredibly guarded, even after 10 years of friendship). I've cried quite a few tears over the fact that my friend has lost her father (the first parent to pass of all my "people") and I've stressed over the fact that this is going to be me if I don't cut it out.

So, I'm working on cutting the shit out of cigarettes. And it's difficult.

I'm actually "working" on a lot of things.

(Good transition, eh?)

I made some solid New Year's resolutions this year. But because I take this shit so seriously, I've come up with items that I think are not only feasible, but absolutely necessary if I plan to become a person that I respect and love.

My first one is to obtain a 6 pack by my 30th birthday. I've got 7 months to do it and I've got the TOTAL GYM. Together I should be able to make it happen or at least get to the point where it's on the verge. I relied on my face in my 20's and in my 30's, I'm totally gonna make this shit a full package. I'm ready. And of course you'll see me in some TOTAL GYM ads with Chuck Norris by January 2008.

My second one, and an incredibly important one, is to let myself off the hook. Basically that means that I've spent the first 29 years of my life feeling guilty about one thing or another. Sometimes justly so, but most times over shit that really doesn't matter. I've spent more time worrying about other people and not nearly enough time worrying about myself. And for a guy that deals with the constant claws of depression, it can be an overwhelming and ultimately defeating process.

I'm no longer on medication and I'm no longer in therapy. I've got the tools to make myself into a strong, confident, and successful person. It's time to put them to work.

There's no doubt that I'm always going to be the sensitive guy that takes each moment to heart. But I am going to absolutely stop obsessing over everyone and everything. I am Joe and I am not going to apologize for being who I am. If I can't or don't want to do something, then I'm going to be upfront and unapologetic for my actions. It's a personality trait that I have such a difficult time accepting.

Those who know me dearly know that I'm insane when it comes to interpersonal relationships. I know it too. But it's time for a change and this is one of my biggest and hardest. Ultimately, it's going to make me stronger and more proud of who I am.

Thirdly, I'm changing my diet. Adios pizza. Adios french fries. Adios everything that makes a boy go round. But tis' true. I have a FRY DADDY and can only fry lettuce in it. I've never been more unsatisfied and hungry in my life. But I guess that's the point, eh? I know you're supposed to feed your body with chicken and fruit and vegetables and I do. But it doesn't make me "nautious full" the way I'm used to. ha. If I'm not having diarrhea 20 minutes after my meal, I totally feel like I've wasted my time.

Fourthly, I'm writing a new play for 2007. Oh yes I am.

Fifthly, that is totally all I have to say. The rest are embarassingly personal (although you know that I'll divulge on some random drunken night).

Let's force ourselves to be POSITIVE in 2007. Call it personal rejuvenation or just about fucking time.

I want to end this year believing that I've accomplished something and even more importantly am proud of who I am and what I've become.

Rock.

Happy New Year!

Just a quick note to say that I’m back in the city and have MUCH to talk about. I had one of the most beautiful and amazing holidays of my life. My entire family spent a week and a half together and Paul was able to be present for the majority of it. It was perfect in so many ways.

I’m super swamped at work, but will definitely post in the next few days. Paul and I are celebrating our 7 year anniversary on Tuesday of next week and we’ve got a bunch of shit planned. I’m so looking forward to a few days with my favorite boy. This year has started off very positively for me and I’m on a mission to continue it in the same vein.

I’ve got a list of resolutions that I’m working on as well and will surely reveal those next week.

Until then, I hope all of your holidays were just as good and that you’re ready to take on 2007 in the happiest and most fulfilling way possible.

A SHITload of love to you all!